Attractiveness is a strange and tricky thing. All things around us send us the clear signal that being an attractive person is either something that we are or something that we aren't. But that's not how it really works.
Being attractive is something we do or something we don't.
Lately I've been noticing the need in myself to seek out some sort of stamp of approval from my friends. I find myself wanting them to tell me I'm attractive enough to be dating or attractive enough to be liked by someone. I want them to give me a seal of attractiveness so that I can feel more confident as things get further along in my dating life.
In the past, I would have asked this of my friends, but nowadays, I know how pointless it is. The thing is, I remember friends of mine bestowing this seal of attractiveness on me, and it not making any difference at all.
I hate compliments. I especially hate compliments about how I look because it is very difficult for me to believe them. So honestly, it wouldn't matter what kind of stamp of approval I'd be getting from my friends, because I wouldn't allow it anyways.
So here's a nice catch-22 to be caught in: I want my friends to give me positive feedback on how attractive I am, yet I won't believe that feedback or allow it to make me feel good.
So how do I figure out if I'm attractive or not?
A while back, in my course, we were split into groups and sent around the city of London to practice stage presence and stage absence. For these exercises, we as individuals would have to find ways of being around people and making them look at us, or being around people and making them not look at us. The trick is not to take the easy way out, such as finding something absolutely outrageous to do, thus ensuring the agape stares of strangers.
Of course practicing stage absence is easy. We do it all the time in life (especially more so for those of us who live in big crowded cities). I find it's very easy to hide and disappear. In fact, I've developed many elaborate methods of hiding that are so tricky, people don't even know that I'm hiding. I hide behind intelligent conversation, I hide behind singing. When I'm leading large groups of people, I hide by keeping the energy focused on the group. Then I don't really have to talk about me. I just share quips and stories elaborately designed to cover the me that's there while entertaining those around me. This is why I'm so great in large groups, but suck at intimacy.
Stage presence was much more challenging. It's easy to have stage presence when you're playing a character on stage because you have that character to hide behind. But quite frankly, while it's still stage presence, it's not very good acting. A good actor has an ineffable quality of being fully present on the stage, with their whole selves.
So authentic stage presence comes down to one thing really: believing in yourself enough. If you believe yourself, people see it. If you don't, people don't see it.
Back to the streets of London, practicing this. Stage presence in this sense was very hard for me to do. Or at least hard for me to hold onto. I had moments of being really there- "in the zone", and then it would slip away as my head kicked in again and reminded me of all those personal myths that I carry around. But those times when my head of myths was not in control were fantastic.
Just like the moments of movement and dance during the core training were fantastic.
Just like the moments on my dates with the boy from Oz where nothing was in my head but the good time I was having.
Just like the moments when I'm singing a song, or playing a piece where I'm there, but not there.
So this is why attractiveness isn't something a person is or isn't. Just like self image, it doesn't exist in a stasis. It can't just be there on it's own. You have to do it. You have to actually do it.
It's just that we've been convinced that it's out of our control or that it comes from external places. Lots of industries and people make money off of attractiveness this way.
This is why lately, I've seen that need resurfacing to ask others about my attractiveness. I've gotten out of practice at doing attractive, so I look for it elsewhere.
I don't have it all figured out yet. I still have real issues with feeling attractive or thinking someone could be attracted to me, but at least I have a foothold now.
And who doesn't want to feel attractive?
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4 comments:
Oh how I understand this. I being yet another woman who is stuck in this cycle of wanting but not accepting/believing praise. It took me believing in myself to find Jeremy. Now he loves to tell me how gorgeous I am but for the longest time I didn't believe him. It's the classic story of your mom telling you you're beautiful but you negating her praise because she's your mom and has to say that (or that's how I processed it). Once I was able to say, thank you... yes I am gorgeous (in a non-cocky way) I started to break the cycle. I was authentic with myself, loving with my body (assorted flaws and all), and ta-dah I was beautiful Leanne. Jen, you're gorgeous. Believe it, own it, live it.
I agree with the concept that attractive is something you can do.
I experiment in this way: I'm walking down a street, and I decide that when I turn that corner up there, I will turn into this gorgeous, vivacious, looker-- and sure enough, on the next street, I find that more people are looking at me, that I'm turning more heads.
Then when I go around another corner, I let myself shrink back down into the slumpy, worried posture I was using before I decided to "do" attractive. And sure enough, no one looks.
Can we just practice believing we're attracive until it becomes a more or less permanent reality?
It's worth some more experimenting.
If you know that you will benefit from believing that you are attractive ... just try it - try it on faith. "Practice" it, as Jessica said.
I had to do this with myself, when I was trying to get rid of my pathological critic. I didn't believe the articles my therapist gave me. These articles were saying crazy things like, "You have inherent value; it's not about what you DO, but who you ARE." And I just couldn't believe that of myself. But I decided to just give it a shot, living with that notion in my mind.
Within a few days, my perception of myself had changed radically. Every now and again, I'll wonder, "Do I really have inherent value?" But I don't dwell on this question, because I know that the world is better off for me believing the answer is yes.
Maybe it's just a useful lie - or maybe I just don't have the wisdom yet to see the value of myself.
Good for people to know.
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