the fickleness and changeability of self perception

After a few weeks of faithfully attending the fitness classes that we've been running on our course, I missed out an entire week due to major essays that were robbing me of sleep and health. It's been interesting to see how steadily my self image has been declining since that lack of exercise.

I'm starting to feel fat in my clothes again, even if the increasing sagginess of my clothes suggests otherwise. And of course, this makes me feel less able to look good in general, which then leads to more feelings of being not attractive, blah blah blah.

The physical feelings spill so easily into the mental and emotional realm. I'm even finding a lot of the hope that I've been riding on with my current crush sort if dissipating (for no reason at all, really- the boy from Oz is still in Oz and won't be back for another week). But it really has nothing at all to do with him.

Of course, when you hit a point like this, it can easily and dangerously slide into a downward spiral. You know the spiral- the one where you grab chips more often than not because that's what's going to get you through the day. Where a nice chocolate dessert becomes a necessary tool to feel better. And where the inevitable guilt merely serves to encourage you to give up.

So what is this telling me?

I think that self image cannot survive in stasis. It's not something that once achieved, remains solidly in place for all time. I think self image is a never ending process. A dance between myself and myself, that needs me to keep moving and growing in order to feel good. It needs to be fed constantly.

So I've been in stasis, and it's been making me slowly slide backwards. But this is good news. Mainly because I can see it. If I can see it, and if the reasons are clear, then I can do something about it. And I think it's just as simple as attending more fitness and dance classes.

I also just got a membership to the pool near the school. I'm gearing up to go swimming there if possible....but then again, that means getting over the thought of being seen in public in a bathing suit (GAAAH!), and that's a WHOLE other post for another time.