Dating is always interesting. I've been making a point of just going out on dates whenever the opportunity presents itself in this city. I don't really know a lot of people, so of course I turn to online dating.
Now there's always this nagging voice in the back of my head that questions whether or not I even have the right to date if I am not thin and beautiful.
(I should note here that for some reason, I have been equating the two. Obviously this isn't always the case, yet this still seems to be the default setting on my brain. All one has to do is look at the converse reasoning- if thin=beautiful, therefore fat=ugly)
Anyways, I have been going on dates, and met some really nice guys, but none who thrill me. I haven't gotten that flitter-flutter feeling you get when you meet someone you really like.
Well, at least not until I met the boy from Oz.
GAH! I actually really really like him. Everytime I think of this guy, I get a stupid grin on my face. We've gone on three dates, and have only gotten to the point of hugging. I would love to make a move, yet I feel that because I am not thin, I don't have the right to do so.
Basically, I have to assess first if he's alright with my size and that sucks. Now I remember why I haven't been bothering too much with dating these last five or six years.
Anyways, the whole question is tabled until he gets back from his extended holiday.
That gives me some time to figure out how much of an obstacle my body image has really set up between me and finding love.....
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Delving into the world of body image, beauty, weight loss, dieting, and one woman's quest to get right with her body.
4 comments:
Wow, I have to say, I've always seen you as such a vibrant, confidant beautiful person. You're such a leader in our faith community that I guess it's hard for me to imagine that you struggle with these issues.
Yet I find myself *totally* getting what you have to say - that feeling of 'do I even deserve to date looking like I do' - I feel that so much. I'm lucky to be in a long term relationship, but I've often wondered what life would be like if I were out in the dating world again. I think it would be very hard for me.
Yeah, funny that, huh?
Because when I see you, I think the same thing...how could that be a problem for you? You're absolutely beautiful!
But I think the signals that get sent to us about what we should look like condition us to be the harshest critics of ourselves.
Weird, huh?
If he wasn't all right with your size, he wouldn't have gone out with you three times!
And anyway, it's not for him to determine if your weight is "all right." That's only for you to say.
Touche...so very true.
I guess it comes down to the fact that I, myself, am not ok with my size. It's a strange balance between trying to be ok with who you are at the same time as trying to fix the things you would like to improve about yourself.
GAH!
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