Where to look for it?

Attractiveness is a strange and tricky thing. All things around us send us the clear signal that being an attractive person is either something that we are or something that we aren't. But that's not how it really works.

Being attractive is something we do or something we don't.

Lately I've been noticing the need in myself to seek out some sort of stamp of approval from my friends. I find myself wanting them to tell me I'm attractive enough to be dating or attractive enough to be liked by someone. I want them to give me a seal of attractiveness so that I can feel more confident as things get further along in my dating life.

In the past, I would have asked this of my friends, but nowadays, I know how pointless it is. The thing is, I remember friends of mine bestowing this seal of attractiveness on me, and it not making any difference at all.

I hate compliments. I especially hate compliments about how I look because it is very difficult for me to believe them. So honestly, it wouldn't matter what kind of stamp of approval I'd be getting from my friends, because I wouldn't allow it anyways.

So here's a nice catch-22 to be caught in: I want my friends to give me positive feedback on how attractive I am, yet I won't believe that feedback or allow it to make me feel good.

So how do I figure out if I'm attractive or not?

A while back, in my course, we were split into groups and sent around the city of London to practice stage presence and stage absence. For these exercises, we as individuals would have to find ways of being around people and making them look at us, or being around people and making them not look at us. The trick is not to take the easy way out, such as finding something absolutely outrageous to do, thus ensuring the agape stares of strangers.

Of course practicing stage absence is easy. We do it all the time in life (especially more so for those of us who live in big crowded cities). I find it's very easy to hide and disappear. In fact, I've developed many elaborate methods of hiding that are so tricky, people don't even know that I'm hiding. I hide behind intelligent conversation, I hide behind singing. When I'm leading large groups of people, I hide by keeping the energy focused on the group. Then I don't really have to talk about me. I just share quips and stories elaborately designed to cover the me that's there while entertaining those around me. This is why I'm so great in large groups, but suck at intimacy.

Stage presence was much more challenging. It's easy to have stage presence when you're playing a character on stage because you have that character to hide behind. But quite frankly, while it's still stage presence, it's not very good acting. A good actor has an ineffable quality of being fully present on the stage, with their whole selves.

So authentic stage presence comes down to one thing really: believing in yourself enough. If you believe yourself, people see it. If you don't, people don't see it.

Back to the streets of London, practicing this. Stage presence in this sense was very hard for me to do. Or at least hard for me to hold onto. I had moments of being really there- "in the zone", and then it would slip away as my head kicked in again and reminded me of all those personal myths that I carry around. But those times when my head of myths was not in control were fantastic.

Just like the moments of movement and dance during the core training were fantastic.

Just like the moments on my dates with the boy from Oz where nothing was in my head but the good time I was having.

Just like the moments when I'm singing a song, or playing a piece where I'm there, but not there.

So this is why attractiveness isn't something a person is or isn't. Just like self image, it doesn't exist in a stasis. It can't just be there on it's own. You have to do it. You have to actually do it.

It's just that we've been convinced that it's out of our control or that it comes from external places. Lots of industries and people make money off of attractiveness this way.

This is why lately, I've seen that need resurfacing to ask others about my attractiveness. I've gotten out of practice at doing attractive, so I look for it elsewhere.

I don't have it all figured out yet. I still have real issues with feeling attractive or thinking someone could be attracted to me, but at least I have a foothold now.

And who doesn't want to feel attractive?

Revisiting the personal myths

After going back and reading what I wrote a couple of weeks ago regarding personal myths, I think I can safely say that naming them was good thing.

They don't feel like truths anymore. I think they are indeed starting to lose their power.

I'm curious...

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the fickleness and changeability of self perception

After a few weeks of faithfully attending the fitness classes that we've been running on our course, I missed out an entire week due to major essays that were robbing me of sleep and health. It's been interesting to see how steadily my self image has been declining since that lack of exercise.

I'm starting to feel fat in my clothes again, even if the increasing sagginess of my clothes suggests otherwise. And of course, this makes me feel less able to look good in general, which then leads to more feelings of being not attractive, blah blah blah.

The physical feelings spill so easily into the mental and emotional realm. I'm even finding a lot of the hope that I've been riding on with my current crush sort if dissipating (for no reason at all, really- the boy from Oz is still in Oz and won't be back for another week). But it really has nothing at all to do with him.

Of course, when you hit a point like this, it can easily and dangerously slide into a downward spiral. You know the spiral- the one where you grab chips more often than not because that's what's going to get you through the day. Where a nice chocolate dessert becomes a necessary tool to feel better. And where the inevitable guilt merely serves to encourage you to give up.

So what is this telling me?

I think that self image cannot survive in stasis. It's not something that once achieved, remains solidly in place for all time. I think self image is a never ending process. A dance between myself and myself, that needs me to keep moving and growing in order to feel good. It needs to be fed constantly.

So I've been in stasis, and it's been making me slowly slide backwards. But this is good news. Mainly because I can see it. If I can see it, and if the reasons are clear, then I can do something about it. And I think it's just as simple as attending more fitness and dance classes.

I also just got a membership to the pool near the school. I'm gearing up to go swimming there if possible....but then again, that means getting over the thought of being seen in public in a bathing suit (GAAAH!), and that's a WHOLE other post for another time.