The path to sexy

Truth be told, I don't think there was ever a time where I truly felt sexy. I'm not even sure what it means to be sexy. But it's easy to see how this inability is getting in my way as I'm faced with dating.

(*and as a little update, I've been seeing a lot of the boy from Oz, and the more I see him the more I like him. Yet we're still in the talking and walking together for hours and hugging phase- nothing more. Matters get even more complicated as he may have to move back to Oz if he can't find a job soon)

Anyways, I'm trying to figure out exactly what feeling sexy means. I think it has something to do with feeling desired. And right now, I can't see how I could feel desired shaped as I am.

I think that might have a little bit to do with the fact that I went clothes shopping this weekend. Seriously- clothes shopping sucks. Here's why:

• Continually having to undress in front of a mirror, constantly witnessing your flab.
• Seeing clothes that look great on a hanger, only to see you ruin it by attempting to put it on.
• Constantly finding stores that don't think people of my size should get to wear cute stylish things.
• Generally feeling like an ugly person surrounded by lots of cute people.

It's also funny how the number on the tag can really change how you feel about yourself. Shopping at H&M is seriously depressing because all of their clothes are smaller than normal, so you have to get bigger than normal sizes.

But back to sexy. While I'd love to think that sexy is just a state of mind that can be achieved, I have to wonder about what role a partner has in myself feeling sexy. After all, sex with myself is great, but gets a bit boring. I think there is something about being desired that inherently fills the object with sexiness.

Hmmmm...that's a problem.