Ok, so I have let this little project fall by the wayside.
Mainly because life got so ridiculously busy that I had no time to pay attention to this. And of course, not having time to pay attention to this meant also not having time to pay attention to my body. Which in turn means that I haven't made much progress. Ah well.
So here's where I'm at now. I'm about to move to another country and go to grad school there. I actually HAVE to do conditioning before I go because part of the program contains a dance intensive, and I am in *no* shape for that. So tomorrow, I waltz on down to the local health club and join up for two months. We'll see how it goes.
I really admire those women who seem to be able to be brilliant AND thin all at the same time. It seems like I have to try for one at the expense of the other. But the thing is, if you're thin, you don't really have to be so brilliant anyways. Is it merely a compensation system for me?
Either way it will be duly observed here.
I do have lots more to write about and it will happen. Please keep reading.
08 July, 2006
15 April, 2006
"woman's" sizes
I won't deny that fashions in larger sizes have made improvements these past few years. But the fact is that most of those fashions just don't do it for me. I'm a simple girl. I don't like flowery, frilly, polyestery things. It seems that's all there is out there for women of my size.
Or maybe it's just that fashion trends seem to be going in the exact opposite direction from what is reasonable for different body shapes. Fashion doesn't favor curves so much these days.
What I don't get is what forces seem to be pushing and pulling at these fashion trends. Fashion seems to be less and less forgiving of body shapes at the same time that body shapes are changing and requiring more flexibility. The result? I think more and more people feel left behind by fashion. Like fashion just can't offer much to a person of my shape and size.
I don't think I'm the only woman who feels this way. Let's face it, makeover reality shows wouldn't be so prevalent if we didn't feel so powerless in the face of fashion.
When did trying to look good get so complicated?
Why is trying to look good taking up so much space and energy in my mind? Should it really take up that much space?
I do think that fashion trends are not a healthy thing for society at this point. I know that they aren't healthy for me.
Or maybe it's just that fashion trends seem to be going in the exact opposite direction from what is reasonable for different body shapes. Fashion doesn't favor curves so much these days.
What I don't get is what forces seem to be pushing and pulling at these fashion trends. Fashion seems to be less and less forgiving of body shapes at the same time that body shapes are changing and requiring more flexibility. The result? I think more and more people feel left behind by fashion. Like fashion just can't offer much to a person of my shape and size.
I don't think I'm the only woman who feels this way. Let's face it, makeover reality shows wouldn't be so prevalent if we didn't feel so powerless in the face of fashion.
When did trying to look good get so complicated?
Why is trying to look good taking up so much space and energy in my mind? Should it really take up that much space?
I do think that fashion trends are not a healthy thing for society at this point. I know that they aren't healthy for me.
05 April, 2006
Day 4- Coming out as a fat girl
So just like many other red-blooded young men and women in our society, I chat with many people on the internet. Sometimes I'll chat up a nice fellow and exchange some of my brilliant witty banter with them. Sometimes guys want to meet me. That's when I bluntly throw out the disclaimer: "Please understand, I'm not thin. In general, I'm way more attractive over the internet than in person."
I feel the need to say this because I've heard way too many times about guys who feel that they have been lied to when they finally meet a person, and that person turns out not to be a stick. I started this practice as a social experiment. It acts partially as a litmus test of truth to see what men can and can't handle, but it's also just my way of trying to air out the idea of attractiveness. Just putting it out there takes the pressure off of me (well, not all of it, but some of it).
Yesterday on the radio, I heard an article about an intersting club in Germany called the Ugly Club. Members have various features that could be considered flawed, whether it be weight or the nose, or height, etc. By getting together and calling out these features, they somehow manage to diminish the "ugliness" of the object.
The fact is that it's all perception. Perception is a powerful thing, and it seems that it is a more and more difficult thing to keep a handle on. The growth of electronic communications has allowed us to build people up more and more inside our heads and memories, and less and less in the reality of their being.
So when I "come out" as a fat girl to these guys I chat with, it's my little way of letting some of the air out of the over-inflated perceptions we have of ourselves and others.
I feel the need to say this because I've heard way too many times about guys who feel that they have been lied to when they finally meet a person, and that person turns out not to be a stick. I started this practice as a social experiment. It acts partially as a litmus test of truth to see what men can and can't handle, but it's also just my way of trying to air out the idea of attractiveness. Just putting it out there takes the pressure off of me (well, not all of it, but some of it).
Yesterday on the radio, I heard an article about an intersting club in Germany called the Ugly Club. Members have various features that could be considered flawed, whether it be weight or the nose, or height, etc. By getting together and calling out these features, they somehow manage to diminish the "ugliness" of the object.
The fact is that it's all perception. Perception is a powerful thing, and it seems that it is a more and more difficult thing to keep a handle on. The growth of electronic communications has allowed us to build people up more and more inside our heads and memories, and less and less in the reality of their being.
So when I "come out" as a fat girl to these guys I chat with, it's my little way of letting some of the air out of the over-inflated perceptions we have of ourselves and others.
03 April, 2006
Day 3- Measurments!
Well, today I had to get some additional measurments from the fabulous costume designer in our show.
I think as one sliding down the slope of fat, you don't really see where you're ending up until you get there. Then you look at the number that pops up, whether it's a scale or a measurement and you think "WHOAH! How the HELL did it get this bad??"
Maybe jolts like that help inspire people to do better and actually start losing weight, but I find that jolts like that can be very dis-empowering. They are reminders of exactly how much things have spiraled out of control. I think jolts like this happen all over our lives...in bank accounts, in credit card bills, in schedules, in jobs, who knows where else?
What makes jolts like these so disempowering is the thought: I could have prevented this. The very fact that I could have but didn't feels like failure. When I feel failure, there's a part of me that wants to retreat, give up, go home.
So what does this mean? The thing that is disempowering me is me.
There's got to be a way to take the concept of failure out of this process. Hell, there's got to be a way to take the concept of failure out of how we see our own and each others' appearances.
I think as one sliding down the slope of fat, you don't really see where you're ending up until you get there. Then you look at the number that pops up, whether it's a scale or a measurement and you think "WHOAH! How the HELL did it get this bad??"
Maybe jolts like that help inspire people to do better and actually start losing weight, but I find that jolts like that can be very dis-empowering. They are reminders of exactly how much things have spiraled out of control. I think jolts like this happen all over our lives...in bank accounts, in credit card bills, in schedules, in jobs, who knows where else?
What makes jolts like these so disempowering is the thought: I could have prevented this. The very fact that I could have but didn't feels like failure. When I feel failure, there's a part of me that wants to retreat, give up, go home.
So what does this mean? The thing that is disempowering me is me.
There's got to be a way to take the concept of failure out of this process. Hell, there's got to be a way to take the concept of failure out of how we see our own and each others' appearances.
02 April, 2006
Day 2
Fat Girl Logic I
Cute, intelligent, witty, interesting, and kind [is less than] cute intelligent, witty, interesting, kind, and thin.
It's interesting that many times I go through my day feeling like less of a person because I don't have that last attribute. (ironic that taking up more space can make you feel like less of a person) This is a major obstacle for many of us less than perfect women. Why bother going to meet that guy you've been chatting up on the internet? He's only going to be disappointed when he meets you in person. For that matter, why bother spending time trying to make yourself look good.? No clothes are going to look good on you, and no amount of making your face and hair pretty will cover up the huge and glaring flaw you have. Why bother at all? Nobody's going to want you like this.
These are the extremes of negative thinking that can dog at my head from time to time. They don't attack all the time, but there is a direct relationship between how much these thoughts attack me and how high my stress is.
On the other hand, there are times when I feel good. I feel in my body and I can forgive the shape more easily. These are usually the times I'll actually enjoy eating a grapefruit over that cheesy burrito with extra sour cream.
So in all honesty, I haven't even been thinking about what I eat these past few days. I'm in tech for a play that opens next week, which means I go long stretches without food, and when it comes time to eat, I'm so hungry, I'll shovel whatever is availble and convenient into my mouth. Also, when you're working so close to the edge all the time, it's amazing how much a bar of chocolate can take the edge off. So it's pretty clear: if I want to get healthier, I'll have to get away from the edge first.
Cute, intelligent, witty, interesting, and kind [is less than] cute intelligent, witty, interesting, kind, and thin.
It's interesting that many times I go through my day feeling like less of a person because I don't have that last attribute. (ironic that taking up more space can make you feel like less of a person) This is a major obstacle for many of us less than perfect women. Why bother going to meet that guy you've been chatting up on the internet? He's only going to be disappointed when he meets you in person. For that matter, why bother spending time trying to make yourself look good.? No clothes are going to look good on you, and no amount of making your face and hair pretty will cover up the huge and glaring flaw you have. Why bother at all? Nobody's going to want you like this.
These are the extremes of negative thinking that can dog at my head from time to time. They don't attack all the time, but there is a direct relationship between how much these thoughts attack me and how high my stress is.
On the other hand, there are times when I feel good. I feel in my body and I can forgive the shape more easily. These are usually the times I'll actually enjoy eating a grapefruit over that cheesy burrito with extra sour cream.
So in all honesty, I haven't even been thinking about what I eat these past few days. I'm in tech for a play that opens next week, which means I go long stretches without food, and when it comes time to eat, I'm so hungry, I'll shovel whatever is availble and convenient into my mouth. Also, when you're working so close to the edge all the time, it's amazing how much a bar of chocolate can take the edge off. So it's pretty clear: if I want to get healthier, I'll have to get away from the edge first.
01 April, 2006
Day 1
So this is it.
My world has been revolving way too much around my weight and the ever-changing shape of my body. Of course, I'm trying to embark upon a plan to lose weight. Of course I want to look good naked. Of course, I want my body to be able to do the same things it did 60 pounds ago.
But I've got a bigger agenda.
It's time to find out why. Oh, the what of it is clear as day. It's so clear, it seems to run to the front of my attention just about every 5 minutes. The what of it is as easy to recognize as the rising number on the scale.
But why?
This isn't a big psycho-analytical endeavor in order to intellectually masturbate myself into some self-pity party. I want to find out what it is about this world that makes it so easy for us to disconnect from our bodies. I want to take apart all of the forces of nature and society that have been pushing me into larger and larger pants sizes.
I want to know why women feel ugly, no matter how they look. I want to know why so much of our self worth is summed up in a number that pops up on a scale. I want to know why we don't get along with our bodies anymore.
This will partially be a log of my weight loss plans. But I'm hoping it'll be something a little more interesting than that. I want this to be a conversation about our bodies.
(note- I'm coming at this issue from my own perspective- the perspective of a white, fairly able-bodied female. I will do my best to keep true to my perspective, but I would love to hear others)
My world has been revolving way too much around my weight and the ever-changing shape of my body. Of course, I'm trying to embark upon a plan to lose weight. Of course I want to look good naked. Of course, I want my body to be able to do the same things it did 60 pounds ago.
But I've got a bigger agenda.
It's time to find out why. Oh, the what of it is clear as day. It's so clear, it seems to run to the front of my attention just about every 5 minutes. The what of it is as easy to recognize as the rising number on the scale.
But why?
This isn't a big psycho-analytical endeavor in order to intellectually masturbate myself into some self-pity party. I want to find out what it is about this world that makes it so easy for us to disconnect from our bodies. I want to take apart all of the forces of nature and society that have been pushing me into larger and larger pants sizes.
I want to know why women feel ugly, no matter how they look. I want to know why so much of our self worth is summed up in a number that pops up on a scale. I want to know why we don't get along with our bodies anymore.
This will partially be a log of my weight loss plans. But I'm hoping it'll be something a little more interesting than that. I want this to be a conversation about our bodies.
(note- I'm coming at this issue from my own perspective- the perspective of a white, fairly able-bodied female. I will do my best to keep true to my perspective, but I would love to hear others)
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